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By: Amanda Frittz
I want to think of myself as a fixer, but my natural tendency to fix things is not always as productive as I’d like it to be. Especially when it came to “fixing” my husband’s lack of being able to spiritually lead.
That was at least the case when I first tried “fixing” my husband’s lack of spiritual leadership. I humbly admit, my “fixing” looked like overruling and nagging.
I would tell him what he needed to do and what he could be doing better. Yikes! If you can imagine, that didn’t go over well. Even if my advice was good, I told it in a way where it could not be received.
You Have to Give up Being Right
One of men’s top 5 needs is respect, and that means they need to feel that they are deeply admired for their abilities and qualities.
That doesn’t mean you can’t voice your opinion. It means you need to do it in the right way, and trust your husband to make the final call. What I have learned is, if you want your husband to grow in leadership you have to give him the chance to be a leader.
This can be really scary because a leader in training is not always a good leader. However, if you want them to learn and grow you have to give them the space to figure it out.
Be Your Husbands Biggest Fan
Praising your husband for everything that he is doing right goes a lot further than telling him everything he needs to change. Men hate that! Heck, I hate that!
Try complimenting your husband on what you admire about him. Build his confidence. If you admire that he’s been working extra hard, or you admire his people skills tell him.
You want your relationship to be about a 6:1 ratio, meaning 6 compliments for every one constructive criticism. Harvard Business did a study on this for work team performance, but I believe it to be true in just about any team situation! Your praise should always outway your critiques.
Ask Questions
Genuinely coming to your husband for answers is going to make him want to have the answers! Even if he doesn’t know something, I’m sure he’ll look it up and get back to you.
This is a great way to give a little nudge and make him spiritually lead.
It’s also a great way to practice out patience! Sometimes waiting for your husband to figure out the answer is a little bit longer than googling your question. However, honoring your husband by wanting his opinion goes a long way in boosting his confidence as a leader.
A good example of this could be asking questions about theology when reading your Bible or when you have Bible time together. Initiating this kind of conversations will make him do some digging!
Do Your Role 100%
I’m a really good judger. It’s easy for me to get in the mindset of comparing where both my husband and I are succeeding and failing in our roles. Honestly, it can make me feel self-righteous when I know I’m doing better in my role.
That’s something I’ve been working hard at chipping away at in my marriage. If my husband is only doing 50% of what he could be doing that doesn’t justify me to only do 50%. I should always be doing 100.
Colossians 3:23 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,”
This verse has been a huge reminder of why I fulfill my role even when I feel like my husband is falling behind.
I swear this works! There have been numerous times when Adam has come to me saying how great I have been doing in my role and how convicted he feels to improve, and he has improved in his role by leaps and bounds.
Pray For Your Husband to Spiritually Lead
At the end of the day, if your husband doesn’t desire to be a spiritual leader, he is going to need a heart change. Luckily, I think we all know someone in the business of changing hearts!
Pray for your husband without ceasing. Pray for his heart and leadership every single day!
If you don’t know what to pray, I recommend getting the book 31 Prayers for my Husband. They also make a version for husbands to pray about their wives.
Both Adam and I have these books, and they are a great starting place if you feel lost in everything you should be praying about for your husband. They cover a ton of different subjects and give you plenty of space to customize any of the prayers.